234.8

By my oversight, I did not enter anything last week. I will be honest and say part of it was frustration. I had a bad weekend and went back up in weight. I decided to really hit it hard this week and thank God, I was able to turn it around.

Nothing major to report other than i started using my fitness pal. What a difference and what a help. Nothing like knowing just how crappy your food really is! It was like an IN YOUR FACE to know just how many calories i took in with that extra taco.

I will keep going. According to the app, in 5 weeks i will be in the 220s. I don't think I have seen the 220s since I started working int he VA in 2004. I would just love to be able to use that huge stack of size 36 waist pants again.

Wish me luck!

236.6

Good morning. Here I am again and thankfully I have good news. I keep thinking the scale is broken but at the same time, same scale with same amount of clothes, it appears something is working.

I am not jumping up and down yet, because I have been down this path before and then get stuck on 230, but I will be happy and I will see this as a victory.

I learned several things this week from starting this electronic journey...

1. I have amazing friends. People that I see every day to people that I see once a year. Everyone willing to help me here. I want to thank my whole lunch crew for not ever judging me on what I eat for lunch, but considering my journey when making decisions. I hope I don't offend the others in the group, but I have to really thank Sarah. Thank you for not telling me what to eat and thank you for asking me what kind of support I want.

2. I have learned that I have no problem disappointing myself, but I hate to disappoint other people. Hilario, your message may be the point in time that changed my path. Knowing that people aren't just reading this to help me, but looking at this for some form of inspiration makes me know that I have to do this.

So how did I do this so far? I didn't start P90X or watch the Biggest Loser, didn't follow the latest diet and certainly didn't starve myself. Knowing I want to be at 180 in a little less than 2 years helps me know that this is not a sprint, but a marathon. I need to start slow, really slow.

I drew my inspiration from the show Hoarders Buried Alive. It is amazing to see what happens to these people. There always seem to be some horrible psychological problem that sets them off. Then they start holding on to things for some weird reason. Then more stuff is coming in than going out and viola, there house is a mess.

That is me. I just realized it is something in my mind that makes me take in more than goes out! I stop and think, I would eat everything that was on my plate. I would be at a point that I could not breath but I love the taste of food so much that I had to take another bite. I hated the thought that I would not be able to enjoy every last bite.

So this past week, I just lowered (by a tiny bit) how much comes in. I didn't give up all kinds of food, hell I still stopped at Whataburger one night. I still ate Liz's homemade cookies. But instead of going for the large, I stayed at the basic...instead of 8 cookies, I just ate two. Remember, it just need to make the small change for now. When we went to Carino's, I left half my food on my plate. No drastic changes that make me hate trying to lose weight, just little things that allow me to feel like its still me, just less packed in the house.

Then I exercised a little. I didn't run around the neighborhood, I didn't hit the gym, I just did Zumba twice for 30 min and did the elliptical twice for 30 min. Not P90X or Insanity, but enough to just move a few things out of the house.

Little by Little. I once heard that the journey of a thousand miles does not start with one step. It starts before you even take that first step. I've taken the first step with you guys, but I fell I have prepared myself best this time. A few things in the keep pile, a little more in the junk pile and we will have this house in order before too long!

Thank You!

So here we go. I hope you won't judge me if my grammar is off, I am just writing things down as they come to my head. I want to put this all down as a motivator for me to finally make this dream happen. I am putting this out there because I find that if I am the only one to know my struggle, I just keep it in and that makes it worse. So I turn to you...I put my path out there so that I can in some way I have to answer to you when I fall of the wagon.

So what is the issue? I AM FAT! How did i get here.

I can probably give you a sob story (and I will) but ultimately I did this to myself. As a kid, I ate tons of Mexican food. I couldn't help it, my mom was a good cook. I don't really remember being overweight as a kid, but I sure do remember kids telling me I was. Then came 8th grade, when something happen and I actually lost weight! That was short lived because as soon as I got to high school, Fat Churt was the term. I don't think this was done is a mean way, the way some bullying is done, but I think I let it get in my head. I believed I was fat.

College rolled around and there is where it really all went down hill. I found a picture of myself and I can't believe that I was actually not fat. But I kept believing that I was. Sophomore year was when I layer on the pounds. I didn't put on the freshman 15, but it felt like I did sophomore 60. Yes that is an exaggeration, but I did put on some pounds. Senior year was worse. With the stress of actually needing to finish college, food is the only thing that was always there for me. Not to mention my mom would always volunteer to bring home ice cream and french fries after BINGO.

There was no room for rest after that, grad school could not let undergraduate beat it. I kept ballooning, but at a slightly smaller pace. By the time I knew it, all the thinking that I was fat...had become true. I now was really overweight.

Those of you who know me, know the struggle with my parent's health. My dad had a stroke and my mom had breast cancer. How did I deal with this after school...food! To make a really long story short, before I knew it, I got to where I am know...240!

I think back to the one thing that started to make a difference...Jenny Craig. But can you believe I got kicked out! I have a problem with my balance and all the salt in their prepared meals was doing a number on me so I had to get out. In the three weeks I was on the program, I had lost 15 pounds, but out I went.

Talk about feeling like a loser.

I went to the doctor's office (new doctor) and we had a long talk about my weight. He was really nice and shared he struggled with the same problem. There was something he said that really made me decide I have to make a change.

"Do you want someone else to raise your children?"

I know the greatest gift I have is my kids. I need to be there for them. There came a point when I decided to stop blaming God for having lost my parents and I blamed the diseases that took them. I can't put my kids through the same. If I don't make a change, it is my own fault for not making the change. I would have done it to myself.

So here I am. I am putting my struggle out there. I am going to let anyone who cares know about my progress and I ask you to challenge me to stick with it.

My Goal: to be down to 180 by age 40

Let's get going!